am not a love slut. when you know, you KNOW..

9:23 AM

There's something i wanna talk about and it's been a while this stuff keeps messing in my head - and i think now is the good time to share, kot. (eh, kenapa ada kot pulak eaa?)

i don't do a lot of sharing, just so you know.
i keep most of the stuff inside my head because i don't really trust people, kot.
(again, what's with the kot??)

i do have few BFFs and BF- but there's only one person knows about what am i gonna talk about today: my BFF. she helps me to deal with this crap without complaining. so thanks to her :)

anyway,

most of my good friends know how hard for me to..

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fall in love.

hah.

in my lifetime, it only happened twice.
sebnanya sekali je. another one was a puppy love zaman skola. hihi.
(puppy puppy pun, bertahan dari secondary school until we both were a second year student at uni ;) )

and FYI,
i hate BF-GF relationship-> the one that u called as 'couple'.

yerp. i'm old school like that. i don't date. i know i sorta look like a social (eh social ke? ;p) kinda girl (masa study dulu): asyik la organize events, camping sana sini, berpoya-poyaan sana sini, etc, but I did not go out for any DATE(s). cause i know, it's wrong. collect admirer sudah. huahuahua
For me, the only guy that i'll date is gonna be my own husband. cecewahh.

i remember this one guy. sangat lah good looking, smart and all, banyaaaaaakk kali asked me out for a date.
i said NO. but he kept pestering me until one day i said "ok fine. we can meet. but only for 5 minutes".
and he agreed. so everytime we met (depan blok pula tu. haha. sengal), before he left, after the 5 minutes's over, he'll give me a letter. sebab katanya, masa 5 minit yang saya beri tak cukup...
comel kan? SANGAT. dah la sangat kelakar gila surat2 tu. heh.
but poor him (or lucky HIM), i didn't accept him. (but i almost did! dia kreatif gila wehh!lol)
he's kind, but i've given my heart to someone else. cehhhh.

YUP.
akhirnya terjebak juga saye ke kancah percintaan. kahkah. sila la gelakkan ayat tersebut.
tu pun masa final semester and sebab masa tu terpaksa jugak meng'official'kan sebab letih laaaaa nak cari alasan bila ada orang nak masuk line (if you know what i mean) because most guys can not take NO as an answer and if they do, they want a REASON why i can't accept them. plus masa tu juga ada org merisik khabar and sayer adalah sangat gabra haha so kononnya bila ada BF sayer rasa selamat dari terpaksa kawen dengan tahsapesapentah.. and there's some other reason as well which dengan kata lainnya masa itu adalah sangat COMPLICATED maka akhirnya i broke my own rule.. to cut the story short, WE became an ITEM. and for me, that was my first (i hope won't be the last =p)

anyway,
the bottom line is,
saye adalah sangat susah untuk SUKA seseorang as more than friend. SANGAT.
(heck, even kawan pun sayer pilih2 jugak. kawan-kawan saye sekarang adalah yang terBAIKKKK yang pernah saye jumpa. u gotta trust me on this.).

i wish i could be like other people: couple ,break, couple, break -> TRY and ERROR. haha. tapi tak boleh..
it doesn't work that way for me.
and if i like someone, it means- i REALLY REALLY CRAZILY suka kat orang tu.
dan kalau frust, konfem la haku rasa frust gila gila jugak macam dunia terbalik. huhu.


so that's why i don't easily accept anyone into my life. eceh.


seriously,
i'd rather stay single than accept someone whom i don't really like just for fun or for the sake of try-and-error.
cause at the end of the day, someone's heart will get broken.
and it's BRUTAL.

besides, how do you call it as falling in love if you keeps fall in and fall out of love easily, right?
like hello, i am not a love slut!~ (Robin, HIMYM Season err.. tak ingat)


i was once, believed the phrase "when you know, you know".
BUT now, not anymore.
i mean, i am not sure anymore about all this lovey dovey thingey.
like i said before, my heart is NUMB. it doesn't feel anything.


Remember Si Gemuk..?
haaaa.. against all odds, i kinda like him.
but it was like, couple of years ago. (eh i think it was 3 years ago kot.hee.)
i'm not sure if i really like him, or he's just my rebound guy. or because he's sort of my dream guy, maka tetiba saye suka dia.
but of all people who've approached me, i end up liking someone who doesn't even likes me. sungguh drama kan? bluergh.

and the first time i sort-of-like him, was when i don't even KNOW him.
that one fateful day, i remember he was facing my back, talking to his friends( which were my friends too) ,
i did not SEE him. i've NEVER EVER met him in my whole life,
and somehow, i KNEW.

tahu ape?
tidak lah saye ketahuan.
yang pastinya, we met again few months later. and that became the first time i got to know him and we become friends. tapi kawan gitu-gitu je lah..
nothing more, nothing less.
we went out few times. hang out few times. but that's that.

sure, i was happy being around him.
i can be silly whenever around him and the best thing is, i get to see the different side of him too.
not the cocky arrogant guy. he's just different.
sangat light and easy. sangat kelakar. sangat sengal. sangat best. sangat gentleman gila babs (this is the main reason why i like him)
and he made me feel warm inside. sangat selesa.

he's everything i want in a guy.
ok. not everything. but most of everything.
nobody's perfect kan?i'm not perfect too so i wont ask for more from him.
i honestly think he's good enough.

remember in this entry, when i said that if i meet someone, i'll take him to see my bestest friend for approval? well... i did bring Si Gemuk to see him, once. but not for approval lah. just meet-and-greet session. haha. poyo jer. tapi best tengok dorang boleh get along(beb, aku tau ko baca and aku tau ko must be thinking sapekah beliau.. whoever cross ur mind, just keep it to yourself, ok?shhh! dan sila jangan komen. heeeeee~)


but what sad is..



he NEVER approach me, so i guess he never interested in me.
maka feeling itu pun haku dah buang jauh-jauh..
the last time we've seen each other was ages ago.. it's for the best. kot.

recently saja his name came out dalam hati.
maybe sebab i have a decision to make, maka tiba tiba adanya lil devil voice inside my head mengganggu pemikiran.
i couldn't help but wondering WHY?
why he's not like some other guys? why doesnt he likes me? sebab aku tak segemuk dia ke? (haha. tetibaaa)
pelik. sebab bila difikir-fikirkan balik, SUKA KE AKU KAT SI GEMUK ni?
was i really like him or was i just became that way sebab rasa challenged by him?

when my BFF asked me what would i do and how would i feel if he DID approach me, i just don't know what to say.
I. DON'T. KNOW.
i just don't know what to feel.
suka kah? sedih kah? entah.
tatau nak suka atau pun nak tak suka.
takder perasaan.



ok fine. maybe suka la sikit kot... heee~

see...
i don't even know how i feel. macam mana nih?




//come to think of it, i think he's gay. hahaha. gila keji. just because org tu tak suka ko, suka suka ko je cop kat dahi dier gay ekk..? haha. hey, i'm just kidding ;)

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