feeling suicidal

5:51 AM

there was one time, Meredith Grey purposedly threw herself and jumped into the sea.
and there's another time, Bella Swan too, did the same thing.

i'm feeling the same way too right now.

i don't mean to jump and die.
gila ke apa nak buat macam tu.

what i mean here is that, i know how that feel.
eventho there're lot of people around you, like your friends. but you still feel that emptiness inside.

i was thinking to go to the swimming pool today.
not for a swim.
but i just want to sit at the bottom of the pool.
dalam air.
feel the silent. and the calm. and the peacefulness that surround me.
water= tranquility.
macam Percy Jackson :)
rasa aman. sangat.

(tapi tak jadi sebab malas nak salin swimming suit. lagipun right now sangat sejuk sebab baru lepas hujan..so aku duduk dekat balkoni, thinking about nothing.. )

i'm feeling miserable sangat today.
mostly sebab life sendiri kot.
sometimes i wish that i can bring myself to anywhere that i wanna go - far from people i know.
i guess that's why i'm planning to go 'somewhere' next year kot.
as an escapism.

escape from what??

maybe what they say is true;

"Sometimes people run because they want to be chased.. and saved".
(ok. yang saved tu saye tambah sendiri. he)

maybe i want to be saved.
but not now.
later, perhaps.
when i'm drowning.

to u.
i cant accept u
[right now] not becos i dont like u.
bcos i just dont have the feeling to get married. yet.
not now. maybe not even next year kot.
entah ler. belum sampai seru kot..

macam mana nak escape dari diri sendiri eh?

mom send me sms, asking my name.
could my day can get any better? *sigh*

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